After this Sunday, there will be a giant, sprawling, confusing, beardy, plot-hole-ridden gap in the hearts of millions of Americans (as well as ABC’s programming schedule). Yes, in just a few days, Lost will be ending its six-year run and the world will need a new show to inspire them/force them to incoherently type/fart pseudo-philosophy in Internet message boards. Because I am all about capitalizing on shit, and because my time is utterly worthless, I decided to mock up a few ideas for shows to replace Lost (guided by the simple principle that people like weird mysteries, Lost and absolutely nothing else), and sent them over to ABC’s top executives. They were… less than pleased. Tagline: In space, no one can hear Kate’s bullshit. Studio Notes: Why would a bomb need a timer and a fuse? (Also, no.) Tagline: This time, it’s babies. Studio Notes: It’s been done. Tagline: Their only real crime was stealing a ship… a friend ship. Studio Notes: And rape, right? You’ve made it clear that they’re also rapists? We’re going to pass on this one. Tagline: And maybe there’s a whale on the island and he talks, but not with his mouth, and he only says racist things, but they’re all dolphin slurs so I think we can still get away with it. And there’s a clown ...

If there’s two things Cracked is all about, it’s fucked up animals and dongs. And since they won’t let me write “The 7 Most Fucked Up Animal Dongs,” (Editor’s Note: Only because it’s been written already ) I had to settle for focusing on just the animal stuff. So hey, here you go: Here’s a bunch of adorable animals that will probably nonetheless scar you for life. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get right down to hyperventilating and swearing at nature, shall we? #5. Spectacled Bear Bears are pretty intrinsically scary, but come on – look at that guy! That’s not a bear, that’s a fat raccoon. And not even fat in the gross way, but in a “he looks like he’d make a good pillow” way. Even the name is just cuddles on toast: spectacled bear. Look at him: He’s got wittle glasses. Now, here’s the exact same animal, without all that snugly fur. Holy shit! It’s like they’ve taken everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life and built an animal out of it to punish you. This was taken at a zoo in Germany after the bears contracted a mange-like skin condition, which means that the nice, thick coat of fluff normally covering the bear was just a deceptive sheath there to hold in the nightmares. That thing looks like it guards the gates of hell during the official functions, when hell really needs to break out the big guns to impress visiting dignitaries. With the simple subtraction of hair, it went from cuddly panda-alternative to something that can only be killed if you first close the seals of Gozer the Gozerian so it can turn back into Rick Moranis. #4. The Red Fox If there was a color-coded scale for cuteness like there is for Terror Alert Levels, the red fox would ...

There’s no way that she’s legal in 37 states (Shawn Johnson) Caption by: WaywardKey via Poster Builder

Countries from around the world have offered to help the United States and BP deal with the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, but several nations' representatives tell say they have not heard back after reaching out to officials.

There are lots of ways to feel about a finale: pleased, peeved, betrayed, bemused. Charlie Jane Anders already gave us her perfectly valid, less-than-happy take on the Lost finale — but I kinda swung with it. More

Last week the New York Times reported on a shocking admission by Google : the Google Streetview vans that had been trolling the world’s streets for the past few years had been secretly collecting personal wireless information broadcast over unencrypted networks. Today, a less half-assed journalistic institution noted that this is nothing new, and we’re all probably screwed . Google claims that this intrusion was done inadvertently, the result of an engineer’s mistaken code, and that the data hadn’t been used in any way. That’s purely a PR move on Google’s part, because as a legal defense, “it was an accident” is unlikely to let them off the hook. I tried to use a similar defense once, after an unfortunate incidence with some silk pants, a glass rod and the accidental shoplifting of several dozen balloons from a party store. And I was laughed out of the court room. As Google is growing ever more creative with their data collection and probing of ethical norms, and because I understand that every single Cracked reader is constantly and obsessively cleaning their gun collection, I figured you would all be primed for a series of tips on how to foil Google from invading your personal privacy. Which they can apparently now do while driving by on fruity looking bikes. Actually, with the addition of a leather codpiece, this guy is halfway to a pretty good Road Warrior costume I attempted to contact several experts on privacy, but was unable to locate them. Below then are some simple tips on privacy that I just made up. ___________ Enable the security settings on your wireless router In this most recent incident, Google would only have been able to gather personal information about you if your network was unencrypted. By enabling WPA or WPA2 security you would make your wireless network much more secure. Stay away from WEP security though; I have it on good authority that it’...

Celebrities and style often go hand-in-hand, like Amy Winehouse and the pointy end of a used needle or Robert Pattinson and tubs of body glitter. Really, the former doesn’t exist without the latter. The style may not always be to our liking, but it never fails to provoke a reaction. Below are a few ladies known for their sometimes outlandish style choices: The fashion page fodder, the eyebrow-raisers, the trendsetters. XOOXXOX Wanna play Tic Tac Toe again? (Rihanna) Picture by: dunno source Caption by: pierran via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions What do you mean it’s not Priscilla Queen of the Desert? They look like drag queens to me… (Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon) Picture by: dunno source Caption by: kurodakazuki » Recaption This! » View All Captions The burning question is, where’d she find a hair coloring product called “Short Bus Yellow”? (Lady Gaga) Caption by: Mac_Man via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions Sarah Jessica Parker - Cynthia Nixon - Kim Cattrall - Sex and the City - Tic Tac Toe

Picture by: dunno source Caption by: TheRamer via Advanced Lol Builder (Josh Holloway) The end is near. Six years of plot twists, frustration, beautiful Hawaiian scenery, time traveling, head scratching, and random polar bears come to a close this weekend. ABC is billing this as the “television event of the decade,” so, obviously, expectations are high. What are your expectations? View This Poll online surveys

bitch please those shoes with that top? (Patrick Stewart) The offending picture? Picture by: dunno source Caption by: dunno source » Recaption This! » View All Captions PatrickStewart - Shopping - Public Broadcasting Service - X-Men - iPhone 3G

Most people know that Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.” (Chuck Norris) Another little-known fact about Mr. Norris. Picture by: dunno source Caption by: dunno source via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

Though he tried his best, his Silly Walk wasn’t up to the Ministry’s high standards… (Ron Livingston, David Herman and Ajay Naidu) The Ministry is a tough, humorless crowd. Picture by: dunno source Caption by: wesconnettmom via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

Mickey Rourke We can rebuild him… ..we have the technology (Mickey Rourke) Hand to heart. Picture by: dunno source Caption by: frmjewduhh via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions Mickey Rourke - Arts - Production - Walt Disney Pictures - Characters